One of my favorite times of year with Beard & Loathing was when we would all make our annual trip to the Great Smoky Mountains. I’m talking about Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, folks. Whether we rode down in vans like a church group / bastard family or we all just met up there you could be sure a good time was to be had. Sometimes we got one of those large MTV cribs style cabins with hot tubs, pool table, arcade, theater and air hockey. Then other times a hotel with every man for himself. Either way it went there are a few things you can bet I always managed to do when I hit the towns.
Being a big parrot head of course I’m going to tell you to hit up the new Margaritaville located at the Island in Pigeon Forge. I don’t eat there really, I just anchor myself to the bar and maybe have an appetizer. It’s a chill atmosphere and tropical oasis nestled in the mountains. Since you’re already at the Island you can check out a nice show – a fountain synced to music surrounded by chairs and benches and the occasional passed out teammate of mine if you’re lucky (see below – for the fountain, not my passed out teammate). There’s shops and little junkfood shops and a massive Ferris wheel that I rode once and you probably won’t catch me on again. It’s just not my scene, let’s leave it at that. I do recommend a little snack at Poynor’s Pommes Frites, basically some damn good fries.
Now on a Gatlinburg morning I am going to make my way to The Donut Fryer located in the Village Shops. I get a cake donut with chocolate icing because it’s what I like, but they have a lot of fresh options for you to try. Then I suggest you check out Alewine Pottery, locally handmade. I bought my favorite shot glass (see blow) there. Granted its meant to be for toothpicks but you can poor a good shot and it looks cool. And speaking of shots there are three or more different moonshine distilleries where you can get your free sample on. Our favorite has always been this Ole Smoky Moonshine. I recently bought a jar of their 128 proof Blue Flame. It’s a good kind of rough that’s for sure. Plus they have a great gift shop with food samples to soak up some of that booze in your gut.
If you want something more than samples to fill you up but don’t want to waste time sitting down and waiting I have another option for you. Fannie Farkle’s with foot long corn dogs, sausage and pepper sandwiches and cheese steak subs. Its mid-range price wise but it’s good food fast and you can still explore the town while you eat. I usually walk off my food in the Rhythm Section. It is by far one of my favorite record stores. Never miss the chance to head in and be sure you have a few minutes to look around because they have a lot to take in in a small space.
When it’s time for us to hit the trail my last two stops are routine and by the book. I always slide in to Fuddruckers for a third pound burger, cheddar cheese with jalapenos and bbq sauce side of wedges and nacho cheese. It hits the spot and now I am sitting here thinking about it way too much so I guess we will move on. Ok then, Smoky Mountain Knife Works is the biggest knife store I have ever been in. As a kid, my grandfather took me there for what seemed like hours. I have been lost in there. And I highly recommend that you go get lost in there as well.
There is a literal ton of roadside novelty attractions, arcades, rides, go-carts, etc. to occupy your mind and time. It has been called Redneck Vegas and rightly so. You could spend a small fortune in no time and you could mini golf your damn brains out if you like. And if you go during the right time of year you can watch a grown man shed a tear of joy as he makes short laps strapped into the bed of a monster truck. Hell, it’s worth a visit.
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Kyle “Captain” Isaacs is the author of the former recurring series, Captain’s Log, and now the author of Ahoy Abroad. Keep up with his travels on Instagram, @captain_damnit.
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